The Confusion I Know as Myself

Every now and then, we all get to enjoy some pain, frustration, fear, stress. Some of us more than others, sadly. When I tend to get like this, it's neat that I try to justify my place in the world, or in a town, or as part of a persons life. I try and understand probably something that seems next to impossible to understand.

I also try my best to be empathetic if I can be. I don't like to blame people, so I try my best to see it from the other perspectives, whether it's another persons or another race's, I try and understand. Maybe there's just something I couldn't understand ever that they're experiencing, or things they have to do that I just simply can't add up. There's reasoning behind everything, so I try and find the way. The issue with this is that I end up repressing lots of feelings. Maybe not even that, but I just can't simply say them. It could be that I fear the consequences of my words, or maybe it's the fact that I can't really understand the other perspective always, if ever.

In times like those, I also try and figure out what I wish I was and wasn't. I've had moments like these where I end up changing drastically, and some moments have just come to teach me a little more of that thing I simply can never entirely understand. I have a few things that I wish I was and wasn't right now.

I Wish:
-I was a stronger person
-I was a smarter person
-I could have my way, at least this time around at least
-I could be comfortable again
-I could focus better again
-I could make things different, like the not so distant past
-I wasn't a stubborn and blind optimist
-I wasn't so nervous
-I wasn't confused about what to think or say
-I wasn't feeling slightly less happy everyday
-I wasn't feeling like I am these days

I find myself appreciating simple things like that. It gets hard to pile up things. Clothes, for example, get overwhelming to pile up on the floor. It starts like a small pile on the floor in the corner, and eventually starts to override. You keep tossing to the floor, and get more lazy with each throw since the pile has spread vastly across your room. Eventually, it becomes you room, and well you're stuck with cleaning up.

The same thing happens with how my feelings sometimes. One thing can happen, but I can let it go, or so I think. Maybe it just piles up in the corner. Each throw gets a little lazier because my mind has become consumed with too many things tossed aside. Eventually, I'm left with the task of fixing all those feeling I ever had and thought I let go. The basic way of putting it is, I'm making myself a fucking wreck.

Well, I must admit, this was a nice way to get that sick scared feeling out of my system. Or, at least a way. This all being said though, I think I need to just "keep on keepin' on." There's no chance, no time to stop and think about anything, or do anything, or feel anything anymore, so I suppose all I can do is keep rolling with time and see how things end up. However, I have confidence in my experiences as a human that the other side of the hill is always brighter. So, at this rate, I guess I'll just keep going.

I can't wait to see the sun shine again.